March 20, 2013
in a state of flux
in a month, i’ll be through most of the unpleasantness that has defined my life for the past 2 years. i am thankful that i have a good job and awesome friends, because i don’t think i could have made it through some of it without knowing that at least that part of my life is good. that’s not to say i haven’t been unbelievably angry at basically everyone i’m in the middle of a transaction with at the moment, but it’s been manageable.
so today as i was pulling into my building after staying late at work, i came to the realization that i am a good person. i’ve never really believed that about myself because i’m also a fairly awful person. i say terrible things all the time and have a tendency to skew negative. i’m just going to assume not believing that i’m inherently good is an extension of my lack of self esteem and the continuous low levels of emotional abuse i suffered as a child. i didn’t think that people in general were inherently good, and i sure as hell thought that i wasn’t worthy of being a “good” person.
but i realized today that you don’t have to be sunshine and rainbows to be a good person. when shit gets bad, i am always there for people. i am very reliable, it was always a selling point with my freelance clients that i’m not a flakey artist. I am also very giving, almost to a fault, when people i am close to need me. Whether it’s because i need to step in and help in some material way or just volunteer some time to talk something out, everyone i’m close to knows that i’m good for it. I volunteer a fair amount as well, which isn’t completely selfless as it’s rewarding, but it’s a thing that “good people” tend to do.
i think most of my negative traits stem from the fact that i have a very strong sense of social justice. i am easily angered by people being wronged and i tend to not forget it. I hold grudges until i feel as though the universe has repaid the shitty behavior. if it’s not something i can fix, i internalize that outrage and that tends to manifest itself in being snarky and saying negative things. most of my glorious thoughts of violent restitution stem from this as well, although i very rarely act on them, unless it’s traffic related. i will 100% beat on a car if the person is being an idiot. i would say the remaining negative aspects of my personality stem from the fact that i don’t suffer fools gladly.
so, other than the fact that i can’t deal with the willfully ignorant, i believe most of my behaviors are driven by a desire to do good. eventhough some of these actions aren’t necessarily considered things that good people do, they come from a good place and therefore i can now believe that i am a good person.
January 17, 2013
Gordon gets the shittiest present
I’m not sure if i’ve ever made a big deal out of it, but Gordon and my sister in law share the same birthday. That would be August 10th. Yes, i’m that far behind. I get this far behind and think to myself “no one cares what happened 6 months ago, just give it up”, but i persevere for whatever reason.
So Gordon turned 2 and we had a small doggie party complete with meat cake.
The only bad thing about Gordon’s birthday, is that he started throwing up on it. He continued throwing up and eating grass at his party on Saturday, through the weekend and into Monday. I was pretty concerned. Gordon is a 17lb dog, and he hadn’t been able to keep anything down for 3 days at that point.
We took him to the vet and he was given anti nausea meds, antibiotics, and enough fluids that it looked like he had a second head emerging from his shoulders. Unfortunately, he continued puking like a champ. On Tuesday, our vet was concerned enough to send us to the emergency vet since she was in surgery all day.
Gordon had bloodwork and an xray done. Nothing came back conclusive, but the vet had a strong suspicion that he had a blockage. Gordon went in for exploratory surgery. I learned that day that it really doesn’t matter the price, if you put something in front of me and tell me that my dog might die unless i sign it, i will do it.
After surgery and a severely lightened pocketbook, we learned that he didn’t have a blockage after all. He was kept overnight for 2 nights due to the extent of the surgery. They cut him basically sternum to penis, biopsied his stomach, cut it open to check for blockages and palpated the entirety of his intestines to make sure nothing was in there.
He was immediately coned because as soon as he woke up he ate off his IV. I knew he would be okay if he was an asshole that quickly. The vet let us visit him every night. He started trying to walk again 3 hours after surgery. I felt really bad that we put him through that surgery for no medical reason and cried about it a lot. My regular vet was also scared that it was a blockage, which is why she sent us to the emergency vet, but she seems to think it was just a food allergy now, which just made me feel extra awful given my diet situation.
Even though he got a pretty shitty birthday present, he healed pretty quickly and a week or so later was back to his normal asshole self. I have no idea what i’m going to do with the inevitable happens with Gordon. I love his stinky face so much, it wouldn’t even feel like home without him.
Soon we get to discuss me getting cut open!
September 28, 2012
Paleo really isn’t that bad
Since the last time i posted, i got the okay from my dr to drop the ridiculously restrictive part of my diet where i couldn’t eat ANY starch or high glycemic fruits. I’m now on a straight paleo diet (including some natural sweeteners, i.e. honey, agave nectar, maple syrup) with a “cheat day” every 10-14 days that I have been using to add in foods. So right now, i’m eating paleo with occasional goat cheese, because i seem to be able to handle goat cheese.
However, i 100% canNOT handle corn. I ate some gluten free bread that had corn starch in it and my throat got tight. However, it also had rice flour in it, so I wasn’t sure what caused my throat reaction. A little while later, i ate a piece of scallop that had been sitting on top of corn and had corn juice on it and the same thing, my throat started closing up.
That sort of put me off working in new foods for a while. My dr said that i may very well only be allergic to GMO corn, and that i should try some heirloom organic corn if i feel up to it, but i don’t know if i want to chance my fucking throat closing up.
I recently tried ice cream, and i now believe that my 4 month break from dairy has rendered me lactose intolerant. i didn’t have a real allergic reaction other than my nose running a bit (which happened with the goat cheese and eventually stopped), but the stomach badness… ugh. Also, I still get pretty bad headaches when i eat refined sugar. i’m not sure if i’m ever going to be able to handle it.
I’ve gotten pretty used to the diet. It’s better now that i have coconut ice cream and can bake again. it’s sort of making tim’s life hell, which is an issue. but i feel like if it didn’t bother tim so much that i could probably keep this up long term.
i’ve lost around 40 lbs in 4 months. according to my personal trainer, i lost around 1% body fat, but he thinks that’s a bit inaccurate based on my results. I hit my goal weight back in August, but not my goal size. my weight loss has slowed down significantly since june, but i’m trying to not focus on my weight as much anymore since i’m within healthy BMI now.
I started training with the couch 2 5k program. My trainer cleared me for running since he worked some magic on my knee and it no longer hurts. It does still pop occasionally, so i’m having to take c25k pretty slowly to not damage it. i’m up to week 4 day 2, halfway through the program. I’m run/walking a little over 2 miles at a 13 minute mile currently. i seem to default to running a 10-11 minute mile. i’m hoping to train to run a half marathon next year. we’ll see how that goes.
my other fitness goal is to be able to do a pullup. i have a LONG way to go there. i tried to do one and just… no. wasn’t happening.
June 17, 2012
Well i don’t seem to have done anything on here except whine about not being able to eat for a while. Here’s a change of pace.
Tim and I have a tendency to travel a lot. This year seems to be a relatively slow one since I’ve been trying to save up my PTO for looming surgery. Here are some pictures of trips we’ve been on starting in April.
After our trip to Canada, we rode back to Atlanta with the inlaws, who were coming to spend a week in Atlanta.
That pretty much catches everyone up to this weekend, which was a nice, lazy one.
June 17, 2012
Ugh, all I think about lately is health.
i’m in slightly better spirits than I was last time I updated. I have approximately a week until I visit my doctor again, and hopefully i’ll be able to start adding food back into my diet.
In a couple of days, i have an orthodontist appointment. he should (finally) give me some sort of date for when my surgery can happen. By that, I mean, he should release my treatment to the surgeon. I’m still waiting to hear back from my insurance company regarding whether they’ll cover it or not. I want these brackets off my teeth SO FUCKING BAD. Come on, ortho, please release me.
Not that the braces come off until 6ish months after surgery. I’m hoping against hope that i have them off by the end of the year. I’m really tired of my year in a chrysalis.
I have yet to build back up to where i was in regards to exercise. I’m getting better, though. Last month I did a 37 mile charity bike ride with my husband. It sounded like a much better idea before i caught bronchitis the week before the ride. I was doing alright until my lungs started giving out 35ish miles in.
I still haven’t really started going back to group classes at the gym. I did my first group class last friday. I had to go in early on friday because we had our end of fiscal year party, which meant we all left at 2 to go bowl for a couple of hours. since i got in at 8am instead of 10am, i felt alright about going to zumba. I always want to do zumba, but it’s at 11:15, and i’d feel like a shitheel working for an hour and then taking lunch.
Even though I haven’t been taking classes like I used to, I’ve still been going to the gym 2-3 days a week during lunch and almost every day after work. The days i don’t go to the gym during lunch, i walk about 2 miles with the girls. I have noticed that if I bike to work, i can’t also do 2 hardcore workouts at the gym that day. Hitting physical limits like that sooner than I used to still bums me out, but i’m doing a little better at taking it in stride.
I bit the bullet and hired a personal trainer. I’m doing one 30 minute session with him per week for the next little while. He says that I’m stronger than I think that I am, and that my muscle balance is more even than most women he has trained. (yay for working my arms so heavily?) but my balance and core strength is pretty shit, and my knee issues are going to make training difficult. One of the things we’re going to focus on is balancing the muscles in my legs to hopefully help the popping/random knee pain issue.
I’ve still been going to ballet most saturdays. i think i’m getting marginally better. my barre work isn’t as sad as it once was. My center work is still pretty awful. I did manage to finally do a full pirouette and land it properly yesterday, which is a much bigger deal to me than it sounds like. Last weekend I had some drama with the substitute teacher where she basically told me that I sucked and should drop down to a slower class. However, my regular teacher was back this week and apparently i’m doing well enough to bother correcting my mistakes, so suck it other teacher.
I recently found a few good paleo recipe blogs, which have recipes pretty close to what I can eat (i usually just have to take out sweetener). One of my current favorites is paleomg , where i got a nice recipe for blueberry muffins. almond and coconut flour is keeping me sane right now. I missed quick breads so much.
I need to update my mordor tracker and tack it on down here. I’m awful about that thing. I’m definitely past rivendell, now! oh, and since lego has started making lotro sets, i’ve decided that whenever I pass a place where a set is, i will buy it and make it. Next set, moria!
May 24, 2012
Anyone who has had the (dis)pleasure of talking to me lately has probably heard me bitching about my diet.
At least a quarter of the conversations I’ve had lately:
Anyone: “so how’s the diet coming?”
Me: “pretty awful!”
And shutdown, because how do you respond to that? I know these people are asking out of care or concern, but I don’t think they expect the complete lack of sugarcoating they get out of me.
I am miserable.
You don’t know how awful limiting your food choices this severely is until you do it. I can barely eat anything that isn’t prepared from scratch at home. Everything has something in it that I can’t eat. I recently found a single smoothie that was questionable because of the sugar content of the fruit in it, but nothing outright banned in it. I almost cried from pure joy. I’ve gone a month without being able to buy food. I felt normal being able to go in someplace and buy something.
Its alienating not being able to go out to eat. Or going to parties where I have to bring special gimp drinks to drink, where I can’t have any of the snacks. Making a cake for my husband’s birthday that I’m not going to be able to eat. Tim suggesting we make the cocktails and cupcakes theme “stuff Alicia won’t eat”, presumably so I wouldn’t feel bad about not being able to eat it since its stuff I don’t like anyway.
I guess the fact that I have come home multiple days crying because I feel like a leper hasn’t sunken in yet.
I really like food. I enjoy eating good food and have friends who do the same. Its hard to get people together to do something not food related. Most of the stuff I can eat now is meh. There have been a few things I’ve really liked, but they take a really long time to prepare. Tim does all the cooking and I get the feeling that this diet is straining my marriage a bit. He’s constantly in the kitchen and not exactly happy about it.
I also can’t even exercise normally because its next to impossible for me to eat enough calories. I’m terrified that eating so dew calories is going to cause my body to lose muscle, but if I work out it just makes the situation worse. I have so little energy because I just cant eat enough.
May 22, 2012
One of the conditions of getting my braces a year ago was that I consent to jaw surgery. Not that you’d notice it due to my prominent chin, but I have a pretty severe overjet/overbite.
I’ve finally gotten far enough through my treatment that I could meet with my soon to be oral surgeon. I’m pretty happy with him. He’s a cute old man with a great bedside manner, and he’s the head of maxillofacial surgery at emory. I feel like i’m in more than capable hands.
After he and the residents spent 20 minutes measuring my face with a ruler, which I thought was really odd — they even measured the distance between my pupils, I was pronounced as having a 9cm overjet (my bottom teeth are 9cm back from where they should be) and a 3cm overbite (my top teeth overlap my bottom teeth 3cm too far).
Given that the angle of my jaw is great and my biting plane is level, my surgery will be pretty simple. they literally only have to move my jaw forward. Also, since my chin is already pronounced I won’t need genioplasty (where they slide the bone of your chin forward).
It’s interesting how they do the surgery. I was mistakenly under the impression that they just cut the mandible and then hold it in place with plates with a gap between the pieces that then fills in with bone. What they do is so much more indepth than that. they split the mandible vertically near the bend in the back and split the bone apart like you’re chopping wood.
According to this dr, I should be out of surgery in about 3.5 hours, outfitted with some shiny titanium plates in my skull, spend one night in the hospital and then go home to recuperate for about a month. He doesn’t believe in hard wiring your jaw shut unless the bone splitting goes poorly. He’s anticipating me just needing bands to guide my jaw into place until my muscles get used to the new position.
Now, it’s basically just a waiting game. My teeth are REALLY close to being in the correct place, so my surgery is going to be dictated by how quickly my insurance company approves or denies my claim. Since I’m not getting the genioplasty (which is largely cosmetic), the team at emory thinks that my surgery will be easier to get approved than most. however, this type of jaw surgery is notoriously hard to get covered. My mom’s surgery was pre-approved and then the insurance company still decided to not pay it.
Here’s hoping the insurance company isn’t a total dick and approves my surgery in a timely manner. Right now, it’s looking like jaw breaking time will be late July or August!
May 10, 2012
Medical news is always fun
I’m sure I’ve posted about my ongoing thyroid issue in the past. After a year and a half or so, my levels are holding steady like a normal person.
You may also remember how I won a free membership to the gym in my building and eventually bought a membership. I have continued going just about every day, twice a day 5 days a week and taking a ballet class on Saturday.
I have not dropped a damn bit of weight during all of this. I also realized that I was due for my yearly physical. I had been unhappy with my old dr, mainly for not listening to me when i told her i had a thyroid problem, so i was on the hunt for a new one.
I found a new dr at King Plow, where we got married. She’s a more holistic dr, which I’m loving. She wants me to be hands on with my treatment and tries to treat naturally before prescribing drugs.
Well after they drew 10 vials of blood, did an EKG, and tested my body composition, she’s come to the conclusion that I have metabolic syndrome. In a twist that really enrages me, one of the causes of it is untreated subclinical hypothyroidism. thanks old dr!
What this means for me is that my iron, b12, and vitamin d are all low and my insulin is elevated. I’ve known about all of that for a while. My endo briefly put me on metformin for elevated insulin levels and ovary stuff (which i did not tolerate well AT ALL), and I have been on b12 injections and pretty hardcore vitamin d supplements for a while now. Even with all that my levels were still low.
So because my b12, d and iron are low, I don’t have as much energy as I should. Because my insulin is high, I haven’t been burning fat during the hours I’m at the gym every week. Apparently my muscle density is fantastic, it’s just covered in fat that won’t go away.
My dr wanted to try me on a noninflammatory foods diet to help with the malabsorption issues and with low sugars to keep the insulin in check until my body straightens itself out. If that doesn’t work, I get prescribed a fuckload of drugs.
So currently I’m eating basically a hybrid of a paleo and glycemic index diet. I cannot eat grains, starchy vegetables, legumes, dairy, soy, high glycemic index fruits, or processed sugar. When Cheryl at work was on gluten free we used to joke about her not being able to eat anything, but now i REALLY can’t eat anything.
I’ve been on this hell diet for a week as of today. After 4 days I stopped having sugar withdrawal headaches. I’m trying to eat at least 1200 calories a day (the lowest you’re supposed to eat without going into starvation mode), but it’s super hard. I don’t eat red meat, and chicken with vegetables just doesn’t have enough calories to reach 1200. I haven’t been going to the gym this past week either, because I have raging bronchitis. I can only imagine how hard eating enough is going to be when I’m burning some as well.
The good news is I’ve dropped 9lbs in 6 days, although I can’t really tell. Dropping weight means that I’ll get to start adding back in foods slowly next month, so I’m hoping it keeps up :)
edit: Also, I need to update my walking to Mordor ticker. I’m pretty close to Bilbo’s trolls in the Trollshaws now.
edit #2: Here it is!
April 17, 2012
Draw your life
Oh nos! A meme post!
Template can be found here if you’d like to participate.
March 6, 2012
pancakes! (never ask me to name anything)
One of the things that we desperately wanted when we got married but never received was money/parts to build a media center. Instead we ended up getting a lot of amazing, and much needed, kitchen equipment and a few crystal chip dishes. Most of the money we received went towards buying and setting up Gordon, helping on the honeymoon, and various other domestic needs. We also ended up borrowing against it and just never getting around to building the media center pc of our dreams.
We finally got around to paying back everything that we had borrowed out of the wedding account and using some of that money to buying parts to build our media center around valentine’s day. Back in January, I also used some of the money, earmarked by a dear friend to use for going out and doing something fun, to purchase tickets to the Zelda Symphony Orchestra performance in May.
Back to computery goodness. I needed this media center for file backup and storage, since my sole computer is a laptop without unlimited storage capacity. The other thought was to have a way to play downloaded video on the tv without the ghetto “tim’s laptop on the floor in front of the tv” solution we previously had. This pretty much always led to Gordon running across the keyboard and restarting videos, which made Tim yell at Gordon. It was just bad news.
Specs (for those interested):
Intel Core i5-2400 Processor (3.1 GHz x 4 cores)
8 GB Corsair Vengeance DDR3 1600 RAM (2×4 GB)
ASUS P8Z68-M Pro Motherboard
Crucial M4 64 GB SATA III Solid State Drive
Western Digital Caviar Green 2 TB SATA 6.0 Gb/s Hard Drive
750 W OCZ modular power supply, LG Blu-Ray Burner
nVIDIA GeForce 250 GTS graphics card
Logitech MK320 Wireless Keyboard and Mouse
Lian Li Black Aluminum PC-C33B Media Center case (The only thing I had input on :P)
Tim asked me to name the computer, it’s now named pancakes. I also decided that the user account should be Gordon because both Tim and I already have our own computers.
One of the unforseen upsides to this new media center, is that I can download music again! I haven’t been downloading since I last my last job and its unlimited connection to bit torrent. I’m just not home enough to download music on my laptop. But now I can set it up to download and just move it over. I’m currently working through all of the Blalock’s Indie Rock Playlists since November 2010.