May 24, 2012
Anyone who has had the (dis)pleasure of talking to me lately has probably heard me bitching about my diet.
At least a quarter of the conversations I’ve had lately:
Anyone: “so how’s the diet coming?”
Me: “pretty awful!”
And shutdown, because how do you respond to that? I know these people are asking out of care or concern, but I don’t think they expect the complete lack of sugarcoating they get out of me.
I am miserable.
You don’t know how awful limiting your food choices this severely is until you do it. I can barely eat anything that isn’t prepared from scratch at home. Everything has something in it that I can’t eat. I recently found a single smoothie that was questionable because of the sugar content of the fruit in it, but nothing outright banned in it. I almost cried from pure joy. I’ve gone a month without being able to buy food. I felt normal being able to go in someplace and buy something.
Its alienating not being able to go out to eat. Or going to parties where I have to bring special gimp drinks to drink, where I can’t have any of the snacks. Making a cake for my husband’s birthday that I’m not going to be able to eat. Tim suggesting we make the cocktails and cupcakes theme “stuff Alicia won’t eat”, presumably so I wouldn’t feel bad about not being able to eat it since its stuff I don’t like anyway.
I guess the fact that I have come home multiple days crying because I feel like a leper hasn’t sunken in yet.
I really like food. I enjoy eating good food and have friends who do the same. Its hard to get people together to do something not food related. Most of the stuff I can eat now is meh. There have been a few things I’ve really liked, but they take a really long time to prepare. Tim does all the cooking and I get the feeling that this diet is straining my marriage a bit. He’s constantly in the kitchen and not exactly happy about it.
I also can’t even exercise normally because its next to impossible for me to eat enough calories. I’m terrified that eating so dew calories is going to cause my body to lose muscle, but if I work out it just makes the situation worse. I have so little energy because I just cant eat enough.