March 20, 2013
in a state of flux
in a month, i’ll be through most of the unpleasantness that has defined my life for the past 2 years. i am thankful that i have a good job and awesome friends, because i don’t think i could have made it through some of it without knowing that at least that part of my life is good. that’s not to say i haven’t been unbelievably angry at basically everyone i’m in the middle of a transaction with at the moment, but it’s been manageable.
so today as i was pulling into my building after staying late at work, i came to the realization that i am a good person. i’ve never really believed that about myself because i’m also a fairly awful person. i say terrible things all the time and have a tendency to skew negative. i’m just going to assume not believing that i’m inherently good is an extension of my lack of self esteem and the continuous low levels of emotional abuse i suffered as a child. i didn’t think that people in general were inherently good, and i sure as hell thought that i wasn’t worthy of being a “good” person.
but i realized today that you don’t have to be sunshine and rainbows to be a good person. when shit gets bad, i am always there for people. i am very reliable, it was always a selling point with my freelance clients that i’m not a flakey artist. I am also very giving, almost to a fault, when people i am close to need me. Whether it’s because i need to step in and help in some material way or just volunteer some time to talk something out, everyone i’m close to knows that i’m good for it. I volunteer a fair amount as well, which isn’t completely selfless as it’s rewarding, but it’s a thing that “good people” tend to do.
i think most of my negative traits stem from the fact that i have a very strong sense of social justice. i am easily angered by people being wronged and i tend to not forget it. I hold grudges until i feel as though the universe has repaid the shitty behavior. if it’s not something i can fix, i internalize that outrage and that tends to manifest itself in being snarky and saying negative things. most of my glorious thoughts of violent restitution stem from this as well, although i very rarely act on them, unless it’s traffic related. i will 100% beat on a car if the person is being an idiot. i would say the remaining negative aspects of my personality stem from the fact that i don’t suffer fools gladly.
so, other than the fact that i can’t deal with the willfully ignorant, i believe most of my behaviors are driven by a desire to do good. eventhough some of these actions aren’t necessarily considered things that good people do, they come from a good place and therefore i can now believe that i am a good person.